Episode 54: Miranda Caldwell

Miranda Caldwell: I go to get money out of my bank account, and I can't get any money out of my bank account because it's overdrawn by like 250 bucks. Which is like, duh. I left with 500 bucks. You know, like what was I thinking?

Josh Caldwell: Hello, my atypical daydreamers. Welcome to the show. And if you didn't already know, this is a podcast about life on the road. So today I've got a really special guest. Well, she's special to me and kind of a big deal around my house. Her name is Miranda Caldwell, and she's my wife, partner, collaborator, best friend. We met in 2014, and it turns out she already had lived a whole big life before we started doing our thing. Today she shares a road trip she took back in 2000, back when paper maps and payphones still meant something. A lot has changed since then, but what hasn't changed is every human's desire to find their place and their people and to be seen. And sometimes that place is far from where you started. And it takes many tries before you finally step out of the forest into a clearing beyond the trees.

Miranda Caldwell: I was born in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Technically, I grew up in Portage, which is like a white flight suburb of Kalamazoo. My grandparents lived kind of downtown-ish and were like these liberal artist types. I would go to Kalamazoo as a teenager for culture, which is laughable today because I'm pretty aware that Kalamazoo is not the seed of culture, but we had some cool things going on. Kalamazoo is actually exactly halfway between Detroit and Chicago on I-94, which meant that bands would come to Kalamazoo on a Tuesday or Thursday when they were going between Chicago and Detroit. And seeing the bands come through, there was a magic sparkle to that. Like, look at them, they're out. They're seeing the world, they're seeing people, and they're special, right? There's an element of like they're special. Audiences showed up to see them.

And of course, like many of us, my whole thing is wanting to be special. There's this deep thing in me that wants to be seen and wants to be special. Growing up, I always felt really different. I didn't belong. I didn't like the same music as my friends. I looked different than my friends. And so when I started going downtown to the Fourth Coast, which was a twenty-four hour coffee shop, and see all of the people there and smoke cigarettes and all of that, I was like, yeah, these are my people. Anyone who's doing something bad or naughty at 10 PM, those are the people I want to be around.

So the moment I graduated from high school, I was seventeen when I graduated, I moved downtown. And I got a job at the bagel shop across the parking lot from the Fourth Coast. The Fourth Coast was the place I would go to sit and journal and drink coffee and smoke cigarettes because I was a brooding 17-year-old.

Miranda Caldwell: The biggest thing I could think of was to move downtown to Kalamazoo out of Portage, but I always had this idea that I would leave someday and had this romantic notion that there was something out there for me. Apparently when I was little, I used to tell people I was gonna go to UCLA because I had a UCLA sweatshirt that was pink and gray and I thought those were their colors. And I also used to tell people I was gonna move to Germany when I was like four. And the weird thing is, I live in Germany and I lived in LA. So I always wanted to leave.

And so when I turned 18, I was working at the bagel shop and I had maybe 500 bucks in my bank account. I have a car, gold Chevy Cavalier, but it had a CD player. I have 500 bucks. I have an apartment with my brother. I know he can find someone to stay in my room. I'm getting out of here. And I'm gonna drive around the country. This would have been in the year 2000. I didn't have a cell phone. I bought a big atlas, each page a new state. And I went on MapQuest at my mom's house and printed out my route.

Before I left, I went to a show in Grand Rapids to see a band. The opening band was called The Jazz June. And they were going to be playing with a good friend of mine in South Carolina. So I went up to them after the show and I was like, hey guys, I'm going to see you in South Carolina. That's going to be my first stop on my trip. And they gave me a flyer and they said, if you're in any of these cities at the same time as us, come hang out with us.

So I left and drove straight to South Carolina from Michigan. And because I was with the band, I got a bracelet on my wrist allowing me to have drinks, free drinks. I was 18. The legal drinking age in the US was 21. I was drinking gin and tonics and hanging out with this band. There was a guy there, Will, who wasn't in the band but was their roadie, basically just their friend who came to help them carry stuff. He was a poet. And we were talking about my trip. He's like, why are you on this trip? I'm like, I just want to find a place to go. I want to find where I want to live. I don't want to live where I live. I feel like Seattle might be the place. And he's like, yeah, I've always wanted to live in Seattle. We really connected and it was fun to talk to him.

Miranda Caldwell: The overall vibe of the first half of my trip was heartache. Just heartache and longing. I would listen to my CDs in my car and probably cry as I was crossing state lines and just feel my feelings and feel lost. I didn't know what to do with my life. I didn't know where to go geographically, but I also didn't know where to go in my life. I had no skills, no interests, no hope for college, nothing. And so I just kept driving.

I went to New Orleans. For some reason, it felt like a shift for me internally because I was always staying at youth hostels when I didn't have someone to stay with. And I found this youth hostel in New Orleans and I just met all of these people from literally everywhere. Every kind of person. I had never experienced that before. Probably my first time meeting Australians. There were these two Australians that me and this other guy got in an argument with about voting because it was 2000 and a big election was coming. I didn't want to vote. I was like, screw all of this, I'm just gonna vote for Nader. And these Australians were like, you don't have the choice, you have the right to vote, you need to vote. But it was just great to hear people talk about stuff like this.

And they all asked me to go out with them. We went to Bourbon Street, to the French Quarter, got drunk on the streets. It was so fun. There was this squat little lady who looked like all she'd ever done was read. She was from the Pacific Northwest and wore a yellow raincoat and had glasses, just the definition of mousey. She was hanging out with us. And this guy who was like a writer said things to me that totally shifted me at the time. I don't even remember what it was, but it had gravity. It was important for me.

Boarding the streetcar, I saw someone I knew from Kalamazoo. Brothel J. Everybody called him Brothel J. This super tall Black guy that always wore overalls and a big flat-brimmed hat. Brothel J, there he was. So my world opened up, but it also got small for a moment. And so New Orleans was like a shift.

Miranda Caldwell: And then I was trying to get ultimately to California. I drove for a month and there were a lot of places I went where not much happened, there was just some pass-through. So I finally made it to Orange County and hung out with my friend Christopher and stayed with his family for a little while. And then we had this weird idea that Christopher would come back to Kalamazoo with me and drive the rest of the trip together. His mom even said to me, are you sure you want to do this? He's gonna drive you crazy. And I was like, no Barb, it's gonna be fine. Funny enough, we skipped LA. He was like, you don't need to go to LA, there's nothing cool there. But we did go to a hardcore show in Santa Ana. And that was my first time at a show where my feet literally didn't touch the ground, but I was moving. It was like sweaty, packed. It was awesome.

Christopher's sister lived in Santa Barbara. And so we drove up there and The Jazz June was going to be there. I hadn't seen them since South Carolina. By that time, they fucking hated each other. They had been crammed in this van with six people. And so I was this familiar face and they were so happy to see me. They each took me aside to smoke a cigarette and just bitch about the rest of the band, and I became this person for them to talk to.

Miranda Caldwell: And Will was there. I feel like we had even started emailing each other. You didn't check your email very often back then because where's the computer? And he had sent me some poems. There was one about Miranda with gin and tonic swimming in her eyes. And I was like, man, okay. So I went from heartbreak on the east coast to the west coast being like, all right, hopeful, this is great.

Josh Caldwell: Hey, it's Josh. Hope you're enjoying the podcast. And if so, are you wanting more road stories? Well, good news. I've got you covered. Consider becoming a patron. You'll have access to loads of great bonus stories that there just wasn't time for. And you'll be supporting a truly independent podcast. Find the link in the show notes and thanks. Now back to the show.

Miranda Caldwell: The deal was after we left Santa Barbara, I was gonna see them again in Seattle. Because we were gonna go all the way up to Seattle and then who knows. Will and I were even talking about moving to Seattle together. He had just graduated college. He was saying, I'll become a poet and you can go to school. And I'm like, yeah, okay, I'll go to college and we'll have this little Seattle life together. Which is funny because I don't think either of us had even been to Seattle at that point.

Christopher and I go to leave Santa Barbara, and I go to get money out of my bank account. I can't get any money out because it's overdrawn by like 250 bucks. Which is like, duh. I left with 500 bucks. You know, like what was I thinking? I wasn't. I just had to get the hell out of there. And Christopher was like, it's cool, I'll pay for the rest of the trip. Okay, great.

So he and I drive up to San Francisco and through Big Sur. It was rainy. You couldn't really see very well but we took the Pacific Coast Highway and it was beautiful. The whole entire time, Christopher was making me crazy. He was driving me nuts. And we get this hotel in San Francisco. And I just say to him, I can't do this. I have to take you home. And he's like, what? And I'm like, I have to take you home right now. I cannot go on this trip with you. And so we just drive all night. I drove him all the way back to Orange County that night.

Miranda Caldwell: We show up at his parents' house at 5 AM, ringing the doorbell. And Barb comes and answers the door. And she's like, what the hell are you doing here? She was pissed. And she's like, Miranda, I told you. I told you you weren't gonna be able to do it. I was like, I know, I'm so sorry.

Then I called my mom to wire me money because I was negative 250 bucks. I had nothing. I had to wait there in Orange County. It was so uncomfortable because his parents were so pissed at me. He was pissed at me. Everybody was pissed at me. They thought they were free of him. And he was mad because he wanted to come back to Kalamazoo with me and move back home. Anyway, my mom wires me through Western Union, I think like 300 bucks. And I'm like, okay, I'll just go straight home.

So I drive through Salt Lake City, stay in a hostel there, and then just kept driving and made it to Nebraska where my aunt lived. But what was crazy about driving into Nebraska was there was a tornado and I didn't know what to do. I seriously panicked. All of a sudden out of nowhere, and I was so close to her place and there's just nothing when you're driving through Nebraska. At some point there's just nothing. And so I just said, fuck it, and I kept going. My one saving grace was they have these gates that they close on the freeway if there's a tornado. And I kept thinking, the gates are open, so keep going. The gates are open, so keep going. You know where the ditch is. If you get into trouble, you get in the ditch. And I made it.

Miranda Caldwell: I turn off the road and I get to her place and she let me stay for a couple of nights. I hadn't seen her in a long time. And while I was there, it was like Halloween time. I had been gone for almost a month. And I went on a hayride with her because she had kids. And I looked up at the sky and I was like, Billy Joe, what is that up there? And she's like, that's the Milky Way. And I'm like, what? She's like, yeah, you didn't know that? I'm like, no. So I just feel like I learned so much about the world, about people, about whatever. And before I left her place, she slipped me a hundred bucks. She's like, don't tell your mom, don't tell Andy, don't tell anybody. So I had an extra little hundred bucks to get home with. Then from Nebraska, I just drove straight home.

And I got home and I was pissed because my brother's friend had trashed my room. He was sleeping on my mattress with no sheets. And I had to negotiate to get my place back in that apartment. And I remember the next morning going to the Fourth Coast to journal because I thought, okay, I need to process this. I need to write about this. And I just started writing about it. But as I was writing about it, I'm like, what am I even writing? I didn't feel like it had changed my life in the way that I wanted it to, because I ended up in the exact same fucking place. Literally, same apartment, same coffee shop, same everything. It was the same me. It was so devastating.

And then right after I got home, I went out with some of my old high school friends. And I had to pee and we were in a field. So I peed in a field, which seems like an innocuous detail, but when I did that, I didn't realize it at the time, my wallet fell out of my pocket. So that last hundred bucks I had from my aunt and my ID and everything was gone. So I was back with nothing. Truly nothing.

Miranda Caldwell: And The Jazz June was playing in Detroit. So I was like, okay, I'm gonna go to Detroit and this is gonna be it. I am gonna see Will and this is gonna be magic. So I get someone to go with me, actually a guy who had a big crush on me, which, how rude that I took him there to see this guy I wanted to fall in love with. And we go to the show and they check your IDs. And I didn't have an ID because I lost it. So they put X's on my hands.

And Will and I had been talking that night about like, why don't you come back with me to Kalamazoo? Let's live there. I told him about Kalamazoo. He seemed ready. He even told the guys in the band, you know what, you only have one more stop after this. I'm gonna go with Miranda back to Kalamazoo. We're just gonna drive there tomorrow. And they were like, okay. So it was all set and we were gonna have our little magic moment. And then he asked me, how old are you?

Miranda Caldwell: He was twenty-four and I was 18. And I hadn't told him that because he had seen me drinking in a bar and I think he made some assumptions, and I was evasive about it. I told him. I said, I'm 18. And he flipped out. He didn't like it. And so at that point, everything was off. That was it. He had to retell everybody that he wasn't coming home with me. And we went to a house party after and then I said goodbye to him. And that was the last I ever saw of Will. And I drove home just completely brokenhearted.

I returned home like negative. It wasn't just that I had had this big experience. It's that the love I thought I was seeking was gone. No wallet, no money, no ID, no place to live, nothing.

But honestly, the biggest takeaway from my trip for me was how alone I was. Which is like, I did it because I felt alone. I always felt alone. I still do. And I was alone on the road day after day after day. Nobody was offering to take me in. And you would have thought that this was some empowering journey of me realizing I don't need anybody to take me in. No, it just reinforced the fact that I was alone. And then I found this one guy who I thought maybe was gonna do it. And then it was like, are you kidding? You're 18. And so at the end of the day, I came home feeling more alone and less empowered, honestly.

Miranda Caldwell: It was like a cruel joke. But I'm so glad I did it. I still got so much out of it that I wasn't able to understand then. I mean, that was when I was 18. I'm 43 now. Now I see all of the little tiny building blocks of what that did for me in terms of my independence, my ability to navigate the world, not just navigate a map, but the world. And honestly, I never really thought about it until saying it right now and telling the story right now, how it completely opened my world up to meet all of these different people and to see their backgrounds and see what they were doing. You can just do that? Like, okay. And I didn't realize my dream of leaving Kalamazoo for a long time. But man, if I hadn't taken that trip, I don't know if I ever would have.

Josh Caldwell: I want to thank Miranda for sharing her experience, and I want to thank her for all of her support over the years. Okay, so if you liked Miranda's story, then head over to my Patreon. That's where I post all my bonus stories. Next Thursday, I'll be posting another story she told, an epic journey she took to Big Sur, California, where she ended up living off the grid and working for a guy named Bongo. This podcast is created and produced by me, Josh Caldwell. Music by Visual Aid, my side music project. General support and copywriting by Miranda Caldwell. Thank you for listening, and I hope you come back next time.