Episode 6: John Gilkey
Josh Caldwell: So to fold in my philosophy about clown into the documentary and leave this mystery of what's real and what's not real. This is the idea, right? The thing about that philosophy that I have is I'm usually on the side of knowing and the audience is on the side of not knowing. In this case, I had no fucking idea what was going on myself. So it was coming back to bite me in the ass hard.
Josh Caldwell: Welcome to Atypical Daydream, a podcast about life on the road. I'm Josh, your host, and thanks for stopping by. My first guest is John Gilkey. He's an award-winning circus performer, actor, director, and teacher, and has done many clown performances with Cirque du Soleil. John's story is exactly what you'd want from someone who has spent their life in pursuit of clown, where lines are blurred between what's real and what's not real. And in this story, we'll see that sometimes the things you set into motion can come back to stop you in your tracks.
John Gilkey: My history is in circus as a performer. Did a lot of work, most notably with Cirque du Soleil. Spent a few years — because I was fired twice. I'm going to tell you a story about this kid who contacted me a year ago to do a movie. I get an email from this kid who's just graduated from film school in Miami, and he wants to do a documentary on me. When he was younger, he saw a Cirque du Soleil show that I was in, and he fell in love with circus, he fell in love with circus culture, got super into clown, and he's been studying it and really getting into it. And I have to say, the Cirque du Soleil show he saw was one that I was not in when he saw it, but I created the role, so he saw somebody else play my role. To this day, I don't know if he thinks it was me in that role that day. That's the first point of mystery.
Anyway, so he contacts me, he wants to do a documentary. I said, okay, sure, no problem. This is just a couple of months into the pandemic, May 2020. So we start this conversation on Zoom talking about clown. And I fall in love with this guy immediately. He's such a sweetheart. He's completely dedicated to his craft. He's super invested. He's done his research. He also brings on his partners — three buddies who are going to do sound and camera. And all this while he's learning about clown, he's learning about my sense of clown, which is very anarchic, very trickster archetype. Creating chaos is the whole thing. I'm into blurring the line between what's real and what's not real.
He's super getting into this stuff. And throughout the next several months we keep these Zoom meetings happening, but the pandemic is just stretching on and on. After six or seven months, he's lost a couple of his partners. They've gone on to other things. So I tell him I bought this new car and turned it into a little micro camper. I had driven out to the desert in Arizona just to get away from everything. He says, that's perfect. I'm going to come out and meet you in the desert and film you. I said, okay, sure.
So we schedule a date. He's going to fly out and somehow find me in the desert. He calls me the day we're supposed to meet and says it's raining, we're going to call it. I'll call you tonight at eight o'clock. I'm camping in the middle of Kofa National Wildlife Refuge. There's nobody around. Eight o'clock comes and he doesn't call. Finally at eight forty, he calls me and he's super pissed off. Where the hell are you?
I said, I'm right here, man. He goes, I've been driving up and down this road for half an hour. I don't see anybody. I said, I'm here but I'm on the left side of the road. He's going apeshit. I said, the right side of the road wasn't working out. I found a better spot on the left side of the road. I've never met this guy — only on Zoom. He says, okay, I'm going to come find you.
Another twenty, thirty minutes go by. Nothing. He calls again, even more pissed off. Where the hell are you? Are you fucking with me? Are you even here in the desert? I finally convinced him I was actually there. Another twenty minutes later I turn on all my car lights and I'm out there looking down the road for this guy. Then I hear a car pulling up. I open the door of my car and roll out. He's there. At least I think it's him. The headlights are pointing right at me. I'm completely blinded. A couple of shadows come out of the car. There's one person with a camera and the camera's got a light on it as well, right in my face.
John Gilkey: And again, he's going, I can't believe you've been trying to ditch me. And I'm completely discombobulated. I can't tell how many people there are. I can't see the face of the cameraman. This guy Ronaldo, the director — I thought he was about five six. He's like six two, super imposing. I'm five ten. And I'm freaked out. The light is in my face and he's throwing questions at me. Where have you been?
He pulls out this briefcase with a horrible wooden marionette clown thing inside, which is freaky as hell. He gives it to me and says, I want you to have this, I want you to make an act with this. And I'm like — this doll is super creepy. I said, I'm getting out of here. I jump into my car to take off but I've moved my seat forward and I've got all this masking on my windows. I can't escape. I have to take time to undo all this stuff and it turns into this big palaver and he's filming the whole time.
And I start doing bits. I start doing clown bits. Like everything just — I'm in no control of what I'm doing. I haven't been this funny in ages. And I'm just hoping he's getting it all. Finally he kind of calms me down and says, what's going on? You seem like you don't want to do this. I'm like, yeah, I mean, I'm not sure I want to do this. He says, are you okay? And I said, well, I did take an edible and it hit right about the time you got here.
That night he stuck around and we're just talking — the three of us, the sound guy, Ronaldo, and me, sitting around talking. It seems like a man-to-man talk but the cameras are still rolling. There's a camera on a tripod, so I don't know what's real and what's not real. And he proceeds to tell me that I've completely ruined his film. That nothing I'd done the night before was usable. Best I've been in years, he tells me, and it's all unusable.
They leave that night, go to their hotel. I'm super confused. He says he's going to come back the next morning. Sure enough, the next day he doesn't show up, he doesn't show up, he doesn't show up. I'm thinking I've really fucked up his film. Eventually he shows up with a conciliatory vibe. Let's just sit down and chat. Finally he says, look, if you're not going to do this thing, I'm going to do it. If you're not going to bare your soul and perform, then I'm going to do it.
And he pulls out this horrible clown costume — a traditional colorful clown costume with a frilly thing around the neck and a fright wig. And he starts putting on clown makeup, but it's the makeup that I wore in the Cirque du Soleil show Varakai that he'd seen. But he's doing a horrible job. He looks like a monster. He says, I'm going to do it myself. And he picks up that horrible wooden marionette and he starts chasing me through the desert with this doll, pummeling me with it. It's hitting bone. He's chasing me around.
Eventually he finds my notebook. He picks it up without my permission and starts reading from it. It's really embarrassing. I'd written at one point just the word Howl, like I'm Ginsberg or something. Just Howl, nothing else. My God, he's reading that and laughing and the camera's picking it all up. Finally we sit down, I read from the notebook, and I think I divulged some more about why I'm not performing and all these failures. He finally says, okay, look, I think we got it. And we kind of say goodbye, but still it's a weird goodbye. Are we ourselves or are we not ourselves?
They take the mic off me and I start packing my things up. I'm going to go home. Five minutes later, George comes back and starts hooking the microphone onto me again. I say, what's going on? He won't say a word. He picks up the camera. Ronaldo comes back. He is livid. You shut off the sound, he says to me. I said no, man, I didn't shut off the sound. He starts pushing me around, grabbing my arm and shaking me. I'm like, no, dude, I swear. And I'm getting legitimately scared. I said, man, we need a safe word. Kentucky. Kentucky is the safe word. And he goes, no, no, it's hamburger. Hamburger is the safe word. And he's ripping my sweater. I'm like, hamburger, man, hamburger on the sweater. You're ripping my sweater.
I plead with him, I promise you I did not turn off the sound. It took me like ten or fifteen minutes to calm him down. Finally they took the mic off and basically kind of said goodbye but didn't really say goodbye and got back in the car and drove off. I've never seen him since or spoken to him since.
Two weeks ago my phone rang and I saw it was him and I was so scared to answer it. I just watched it ring. At one point in the desert he said we're going to have to come to your house and get more footage. So I'm thinking, is he outside my house right now? I don't answer. He calls back immediately. Calls again five minutes later. I still don't answer. He hasn't left a message. I have not heard from him since.
I don't know to this day how he feels about me, what I did, what we did together in the desert. I don't know if this thing is going to get made. He was all upset that I didn't have an ending for him. I said, look, I got an ending for you. When you arrive, call me before you arrive. When he arrived, I got naked and I stood on the top of my car and I'm just blowing kisses to him, buck naked. I said, that's your ending, dude. That's your ending.
Josh Caldwell: Thank you for sharing his experience. If you're in Los Angeles, make sure to check out the Idiot Workshop, John's series of classes teaching contemporary clown and his unique sense of humor to comedians, actors, dancers, and artists. I've taken some of these classes and they're amazing. This podcast was created and produced by me, Josh Caldwell. Music by Visual Aid, my side music project. General support and copywriting by Miranda Caldwell. If you like the show, please follow and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts. Thank you for listening, and I hope you come back next week.
